How to know when to walk away…

Firstly I’ll start with a little note, that I originally wrote this 3 maybe even 4 years ago. I had a relationship that started off absolutely amazing. To be completely honest it was my first real relationship, and the first and possibly the only time I have ever been completely and utterly smitten in love to the point where it literally engulfed me. And even now some of the memories from this relationship are some of the best memories I have. I may also add that I am still friends with this person as some bonds you create in life, will never be broken…saying that during some relationships it gets to the point where everything changes and that’s really what I want to talk about. I was reminded of this note I wrote down all them years ago when I found out one of my close friends was going through the same things as I did. So basically this is about that and knowing when it really is time to walk away. (Ok what started off as a little note, became a long one as I realised I had more to say about it then I thought…now onto the actual blog post.)

In life, we have relationships. Relationships with family, friends and partners. No matter who that relationship is with, it will go in waves. There will be good times and bad times…But there’s a clear difference between them. With family, you can’t really walk away from them. Because no matter what they will always be there, that’s what family does. For friends, sure we can walk away from them but it’s hard, and most of the time the problems can be rectified and within a week you’re friends again. But the one that’s the hardest is the partner relationships. Especially if you’re the one that cares the most. Your going to get hurt eventually, over and over again depending on how long you stay in that relationship. So eventually there will come a point where you have to be strong and walk away, because it’s got to the point where they feel like poison to you.

The hardest bit about this point is the mental torment that goes around in your head during it. When times are bad it’ll feel like your heart is repeatedly being ripped out of your chest, blended and then shoved back in there which is excruciating. But in between all of this there will be moments that are so sweet…probably just how they used to be, which will give you so much hope. Hope that things will one day be the same again, because deep down you love them unconditionally…and that’s the breaking point. The vicious cycle. Where you really have to think are the bad times over weighing the good one’s now. Of course it will be difficult at first, in fact forget that, it’ll be difficult for as long as it takes. Heck it took me over a year even after we’d split up, but that was because I didn’t completely remove myself from the situation and we were clearly seeing things differently. For him it was harmless doing thing we used to as a couple, but for me it was verging on manipulation of feelings. But anyway in long run you will without a doubt be so much better off, and some extent so much stronger for getting through it. What you’ve got to remember is that you aren’t the first person to feel like this and sadly you won’t be the last…probably even people close to home have been through a similar thing. Stay strong.

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Ever changing seasons…

I love the ever changing seasons. Spring. Summer. Autumn. Winter. Every single one of them. Each unique in their own beautiful way. But when I think about it, there’s always one problem. When it’s Spring, I want it to be Summer. When it’s Summer, I want it to be Autumn. When it’s Autumn, I want it to be winter and so on and so forth. It’s a vicious circle. And it’s only when I realise this, that I begin to see I’m mindlessly wishing the seasons to come around faster and faster each year. Effectively wishing a lifetime away…rather than embracing the beauty of each season. In some ways though, that is really a trait that all humans share. The need for change, and the ache of never really being fully satisfied.

“Don’t waste the season of life your in now, just because you want the next one to come.”

Amsterdam in July…

Last July a few friends of mine decided to book a last minute trip to Amsterdam. I’d only been to Amsterdam once before for a few hours on a ferry trip, and to be honest I wanted to travel as much as possible last year…so I just thought why not!

There was 6 of us altogether, and it was the first time I’d been on holiday with a group of friends rather than just one friend. Normally I’m a bit hesitant about travelling in groups, just due to the fact that you have to accommodate to what everyone wants to do. But to be honest this wasn’t an issue for us at all seen as everyone wanted to do relatively similar things anyway, which made things a hell of a lot easier.

So we stayed for three nights in Amsterdam at the Camp Inn Hotel, which was a great hotel which also offered bike rental which was ideal to get around Amsterdam. It was room only, which was perfect as it allowed us to check out what food Amsterdam had to offer, and it really didn’t disappoint. Inside the city centre, Amsterdam basically accommodates all food lovers. Theres pastries, pizza, spaghetti, sandwiches, burgers…you get the idea. Not to mention the coffee there is amazing!

Obviously we didn’t just go for the food aspect of Amsterdam, so we had just three days to fit in as much of Amsterdam’s culture as humanly possible. We went to the museum of prostitution, the sex museum, we went on a tour at the Heineken Experience, Amsterdam’s Ice bar, the red light district, and of course we popped into a bulldog coffee shop. Oh I almost forgot we also took a leisurely bike ride through the streets and along the canal…which meant nearly getting run over by a tram (when in Amsterdam eyy).

Overall the trip was pretty amazing. We didn’t get to go to the Anne Frank house, but it’s definitely on my bucket list. Either way I’ll have to go back at some point, as Amsterdam has so much to offer. Hopefully there are more group trips are to come too! Oh and the weather was pretty good too!

What Sunday’s are for!

Whether your hung over, tired or just damn deserve a lazy day here is a list for everyone! We all need a day to ourselves at to be honest, and what better day is there than sunday? Below is a list of things to do, hopefully you’ll find something of use in there!

Films to watch:
– The Impossible (Based in the tsunami that hit Thailand in 2004, it follows a family trying to find each other after the disaster.)
– Joy (A feel good movie for women, focuses on a single mother who has take care of her
family while trying to set up a business.)
– Nerve (About an online game of dares, which gets dangerous…but also makes you want to go out and live life to the full.)
– The Book Thief (Set in nazi Germany, it follows a young girl who has been sent there to
be fostered.)
– Phone Booth (About a guy who answers a phone call, to be then trapped and if he hangs up…he’ll be shot.)
– Any film with Leonardo DiCaprio – The Great Gatsby/Inception (they are all amazing!)

Songs to bust a move to or just sing to your heart’s content:
– Hopeless Wanderer – Mumford and Sons
– You Don’t Know Me – Jax Jones ft. RAYE
– Stronger – Clean Bandit
– Shame on Me – Avicii
– London Calling – The Clash
– Town Called Malice – The Jam

Relaxing Ideas:
– Have a bath with as many bubbles as humanly possible
– Have a binge watch on Netflix with any junk food of your choice (I’m currently binge
watching Girlboss)
– Find an animal to hang out with, they’re fluffy, funny, and no need for conversation
– Play a board game! Heck who doesn’t love a cheeky round of Cluedo
– Take a nap…hey it’s relaxing! And you can catch up on the sleep of the week.
– Go to a spa, maybe get a massage? (Might have to book that one in advance)

Options for the people who just can’t do nothing (even if you are hung over):
– Go for a coffee/milkshake with a friend or even yourself
– Go for a hike
– Go visit some animals, could be a farm, a zoo, even your next door neighbours dog
– Do all your weekly chores? Possibly
– Go to the gym? Maybe?
– Do something else that Isn’t included in the list?

Netflix, you’ve done it again! 

So over the past week or so the internets been going a bit crazy over a new tv show called ’13 Reasons Why’ which has been aired on Netflix. For anyone who doesn’t know or hasn’t got around to watching it yet, the show is about a girl in high school who commits suicide. However before having done this she has recorded tapes listing 13 reasons/people that lead her to do this. I’d also like to add that this is adapted from a book. I haven’t read it but after watching this I probably will to see what had been changed or for need of a better word, adapted.

Without giving away spoilers or it being too heavy…I’d honestly say to watch it. No matter what your age, gender or background…watch it. There’s lessons to be learnt by everyone in it. Wether it’s just to be a bit kinder, consider what you say or do before you do it, or even if you just ignore rumours and think for yourself…we can all take something from this.

The show covers a lot of important issues for example bullying, loneliness, rape and of course suicide. All of which are dealt with by the director and actors appropriately. 

I just personally couldn’t rate this any higher. I’ve mentioned before in blogs about how I believe judging people is bad and how you can never know completely what is going on inside a persons mind, and I think this is just such a true representation of this…which I think everyone should at least attempt to open their mind to. 

So wether you decided to binge watch it all in one day, or spread it out over a few days. Give it a chance. Who knows, it might even change the way you see the world…at least in some areas.

Travelling Alone

This time last week I had arrived in Portugal, after travelling alone for the first time. Before setting off I was pretty worried. Worried about having a panic attack, as there were certain things that had triggered them off before while travelling. But after all that I ended up getting to Portugal and back with no panic attacks at all. To say the least I am so proud of myself. To be able to do all of that alone and not have any problems definitely made me feel good.

The one thing that really seemed to make a difference is that when travelling alone, more people began to strike up a conversation with me. It was so nice having people helpful and kind at every turn, even something so small as getting my bag and passing it to me really meant a lot. Then getting onto the plane I even got chatting to another first time solo female traveller, which again was really nice to know that I wasn’t alone in the situation. Even when I arrived into Portugal I noticed there was a difference, not just from staff like the driver to the hotel giving me advice on the best places to go, but even the locals just making chitchat.

As a planner I did a lot of research before setting off, like I would wherever I went even if I was with others. But I think this did help as it made me more prepared, especially in case anything went wrong. Maybe that just me being over-cautious, but I’d rather be extra prepared. Heck I’m that prepared sometimes that on the last night I even quickly totalled up all the cost for staying there a couple of extra days…I know how to find a deal!

Overall though I honestly had an amazing time travelling by myself and would recommend for anyone to at least try it once…I’m even considering booking another trip again soon. On the down side there’s no saying that next time I won’t have a panic attack, but at least for now I’m just proud I did it.

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Oopsie

As people, throughout our lives we will hit walls. Not physically but mentally. And I don’t know whether it’s due to getting older or having a lot of time on my hands by having no social life and no relationship…but with more time you notice a lot more. These are small things that generally go unseen to people with busy lives. But it’s one of them things that once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Now I’ve been single for almost two years now (a long time yeah), and to be honest I don’t hate it. I’m by no means living my life how a single person should live their life, and I’m attempting to tackle that in my own way but that’s not really what this blog is about. This blog is really about sorting out and getting my life in order before that and probably doing a lot of venting to make myself feel better and put my mind at ease a bit.

The first thing I really want to rant about, is being sick of people’s shit. That doesn’t sound as bad as it is. Like yeah I get everyone has problems, heck I’m probably one of the best people to be considerate of that. But once you’ve been mugged off (yes I’ve been watching Geordie shore, so I’m picking up the lingo of a cool Newcastle kid) anyway, once you’ve been mugged off by one friend and someone points it out, it’s only then when you realise it and then in turn see how everyone else has in their own way followed suit.

I mean yeah I understand I’m not the best friend in the world, I cancel plans due to anxiety issues and I won’t always let on. But fuck me, not to toot my own horn but I remember details no one else will bother, I am one of the most loyal and considerate people you could ever meet. Given the chance I will open up as much as possible to anyone that has the time, and will listen and help in any way I can in return. But I’m getting to the point where I really don’t see the point. I don’t want to stop being the way I am because I think it’s a good thing. I mean I’ve already got close to the point where I don’t really see the point in letting any relationships come close to me. But when friends drop you, and start being short with you and ignoring you…what the hell is the actually point. People even do it without realising it.

I think this has been building up inside me for a while now and I’m just done. I don’t even know what else to say. Fuck it.

“Maybe it’s not life that sucks. Maybe it’s just the people you let in your life that suck.” – Unknown