Adult changes

Now I wouldn’t really class myself as a adult…not that I’d class myself as a child either, but I just don’t think I’m responsible enough to be considered as an adult. However saying that since the start of 2017 I have noticed some changes in my behaviour. Mainly in the way I’m choosing to spend my money…

Full disclosure, I live with my parents, I’m still single and I have no children or dependants…other then my cat. But because of this I think part of me is going into some sort of safe mode, in an attempt to prepare for any kind of future I can hope to have. And because my mind is doing this, it means I currently desire to buy as much homeware as I can. You know for my future home which doesn’t current exist…nor do I have the funds to accumulate.

You might be thinking okay yeah but for a girl that’s normal, like who doesn’t like to buy nice smelling candles and fluffy throws and maybe the occasional decorative ornament. But oh no I’m talking about coffee tables, storage systems, vintage lights, heck maybe even a sofa bed. I just can’t control it right now. I see something and I think oh that might be nice in like a living room or a bedroom. Basically I’m being impulsive. It could be worse I guess, I could be just throwing money away…oh well at least I’ll be prepared if I do ever move out.

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Oopsie

As people, throughout our lives we will hit walls. Not physically but mentally. And I don’t know whether it’s due to getting older or having a lot of time on my hands by having no social life and no relationship…but with more time you notice a lot more. These are small things that generally go unseen to people with busy lives. But it’s one of them things that once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Now I’ve been single for almost two years now (a long time yeah), and to be honest I don’t hate it. I’m by no means living my life how a single person should live their life, and I’m attempting to tackle that in my own way but that’s not really what this blog is about. This blog is really about sorting out and getting my life in order before that and probably doing a lot of venting to make myself feel better and put my mind at ease a bit.

The first thing I really want to rant about, is being sick of people’s shit. That doesn’t sound as bad as it is. Like yeah I get everyone has problems, heck I’m probably one of the best people to be considerate of that. But once you’ve been mugged off (yes I’ve been watching Geordie shore, so I’m picking up the lingo of a cool Newcastle kid) anyway, once you’ve been mugged off by one friend and someone points it out, it’s only then when you realise it and then in turn see how everyone else has in their own way followed suit.

I mean yeah I understand I’m not the best friend in the world, I cancel plans due to anxiety issues and I won’t always let on. But fuck me, not to toot my own horn but I remember details no one else will bother, I am one of the most loyal and considerate people you could ever meet. Given the chance I will open up as much as possible to anyone that has the time, and will listen and help in any way I can in return. But I’m getting to the point where I really don’t see the point. I don’t want to stop being the way I am because I think it’s a good thing. I mean I’ve already got close to the point where I don’t really see the point in letting any relationships come close to me. But when friends drop you, and start being short with you and ignoring you…what the hell is the actually point. People even do it without realising it.

I think this has been building up inside me for a while now and I’m just done. I don’t even know what else to say. Fuck it.

“Maybe it’s not life that sucks. Maybe it’s just the people you let in your life that suck.” – Unknown

 

Confusing times.

In yesterday’s blog I briefly mentioned panic attacks. I realised that I’ve never spoken about this before on my blog but since I wrote that I thought I might aswell address the ‘issue’ a bit. So here goes.

So through majority of my life I had never experience panic attacks. I’d of course heard about them but never really knew the extent of them, or what made them happen or anything like that. That was until September last year. So let’s rewind a bit. September 2015; I was 22, I’d been working at the same cafe for around a year when I was told about a job going at a Starbucks pretty close to where I lived. This sounded pretty good to me. I’d worked at a Starbucks before while I was at university and really liked it. Since I’d worked with coffee since I was 16, I liked the idea of getting to know more about the different blends, the origins and even the different drinks as they seemed a bit more ‘exotic’ in comparison to the standard americano and latte. It just seemed more specialised, and of course my job title looked a bit more impressive too going from shop assistant to barista. So to go back into that and having something I was more specialised in, with the opportunity to move up in the business sounded amazing and perfect for the direction I wanted to go in.

So I went to the interview, got offered the job, and as soon as I knew it I’d had a trial shift and had left my old job before fully starting this new one. Which was great in theory, having about a week off for myself before getting into the new job. That was until I started getting ready for my first day. I’d got as far as putting on my uniform and then before I knew it I was sat on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, unable to move. I honestly had no idea what was going on. Why my body was really doing this, or how to make it stop. After texting my sister out of fear, she came to the bathroom to talk to me and try to calm me down. I felt like a complete idiot…but I had no idea why really.

After talking to a friend of mine and ‘googling’ (a bad idea normally I know) I realised that what had happened was that I’d had a panic attack. But I still couldn’t understand what had triggered it off or anything. Anyway I called in work, told them I was ill and they told me when to be in next. To me that was that, I’d go in on the next shift and everything would be fine. I was wrong. It happened again and again. Every single time I tried to go to my job. To the point where my new manager stopped getting in touch with me. I was so angry with myself. I couldn’t believe I’dΒ thrown a job away because of this stupid thing my body was doing.

After that I decided to go to the doctors. To see if there was anyway I could prevent this from happening again, for when I got my next job. The doctor basically said that these panic attacks could be brought on by anything for example a new job or stress. After that I started thinking about the job and wondering why that would have triggered it and why now? I’d changed jobs in the past and never seemed to have any problems. The only thing I could really remember is that even though it was a big team at Starbucks (like the cafe) barely anyone made me feel welcome by trying to make conversation or anything. Looking back now it seems subconsciously I’d built it up in my head as sort ofΒ aΒ stress factor, as if no one was trying because they didn’t want me there. It sounds stupid…but that’s the only thing I could put it down to. I’d gone from an environment where everyone went out of their way to acknowledge you, to a place that in a way just felt cold.

Anyway I eventually went back to the cafe I previously worked, and I’m still there now, still enjoying the environment and the people in it…even If IΒ can’t really progress in it, but plans change I guess. Thankful I didn’t have any panic attacks coming back into this job. But I still have them occasionally, for example when I met a guy for the first time…as you can imagine that went down a treat! Oh and I still don’t really know how to control them, I’m just learning to deal with them better I guess…

My Biggest Fear πŸ˜±

Overall I try not to think of my fears. Partly because I’m trying to just live my life and partly because I don’t want to have a random panic attack by over thinking. But if I was to choose one thing I really fear. I honestly think it would be the fear of not being able to have children.

There’s two reasons why I fear this. The first one being infertility. From what I know there are no real problems of infertility in my family. But you never know do you. I mean what if contraception can have a lasting effect to some degree. They say that once you come off contraception, your fertility state will go to what it is meant to be…(Notice how they don’t say, to what it was before you started contraception, as if it will go to whatever fate chooses it to be). So I mean that’s a bit of a worry. But I’ve always seen the whole process of being pregnant and having your own baby as an amazing experience, hard I know…but I’d hate the thought of not being able to conceive.

The second reason I worry about this is because of my lack of partner. When people lay out their life plan they normally want to find a partner, be with them for a few years, get married, have time to themselves for a few more years and then think about having a baby…then if you want more than one, leave a couple of years before trying for another. I’m 23 (not that old I know, but) whenever I hear people talking about the problems that can occur in pregnancy as the person gets older, the age of that person seems to get younger and younger. I always thought the age problems started was 40…now people are saying they can start at 30. I know everyone’s different and it’s just a case that the chance of problems increase…it can still scare the shiz out of you. Especially when your already 23.

I know this is probably just me being a woman and over thinking it, but it is serious stuff. Especially when you know at some point you do want kids. Ok time to stop thinking about it before I freak out!

The sad truth…

*There’s a lot of people in this world who choose to only go skinΒ deep*

I don’t have a lot of friends, as sad as that may sound. The ones I do have, have lives and I get that. But when you step back and realise that no one really knows you…you’ve got to admit that’s a bit sad aha. On the outside I’m a happy character. Working with customers you seem to build up a wall, a character to some extent…after all who wants to buy anything from someone who looks like they don’t want to be there. But I’m so tired of it. I know I’m selfish to some extent, I’ll ask someone how they are and if they say they’re fine…I’ll probably just reply good. But it sucks. In this society it’s as if we’re all on auto pilot, when really it’s the people in this world that makes it worth living, if you just take time to pay attention.

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

#TwitterProblems

Ok let’s rewind a second. So…Twitter was created in 2006 (a long time ago right), however saying this…it wasn’t until 2012 it actually started to become extremely popular. Now we’ve just headed into 2016, and me a 22 year old woman, still doesn’t really understand it.

I mean of course I get the basic’s like how to post, how to follow people, retweet and favourite. BUT what I don’t understand is how I actually use it and only have 112 followers. But then on the other hand, there’s my sister who doesn’t post anything and has 851 followers…I mean how? How does that happen? I just don’t understand the logic behind how it works…anyway I’ll keep trying. Social media just confuses me sometimes…

What if…

Okay so I was hesitant to do this post because lately only one thing of ‘what if’ has been on my mind. And this ‘what if’ includes my ex.

Today would have marked one year that me and my ex had been going out. So It’s funny how this is the day for this particular topic. What’s also strange is that my Mac decided to remind me that it would have been one year today…not sure how that happened because I don’t remember setting a reminder. Oh and to top it off a guy who was the spitting image of my ex came into my place of work yesterday, strange the coincidence but whatever.

So what if? What if I hadn’t broken up with him due to me not feeling like he didn’t trust me? What if that was the one and only person to ever truly love everything about me and I kicked them out of my life? What If we had stayed together, then moved in together and even had a ‘happily ever after’. It’s a difficult one. Firstly because in his opinion he hadn’t done anything and therefore nothing had to be fixed. And secondly because I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and for me I had to figure that out before I could be happy in any way with anyone…to which I’m still quite unsure.

But it doesn’t stop you wondering what if? What if things had worked out differently and he still wanted me in his life in someway. There’s always questions left unanswered…that’s life.

So what if? That’s it. A question. Left unanswered.