How to know when to walk away…

Firstly I’ll start with a little note, that I originally wrote this 3 maybe even 4 years ago. I had a relationship that started off absolutely amazing. To be completely honest it was my first real relationship, and the first and possibly the only time I have ever been completely and utterly smitten in love to the point where it literally engulfed me. And even now some of the memories from this relationship are some of the best memories I have. I may also add that I am still friends with this person as some bonds you create in life, will never be broken…saying that during some relationships it gets to the point where everything changes and that’s really what I want to talk about. I was reminded of this note I wrote down all them years ago when I found out one of my close friends was going through the same things as I did. So basically this is about that and knowing when it really is time to walk away. (Ok what started off as a little note, became a long one as I realised I had more to say about it then I thought…now onto the actual blog post.)

In life, we have relationships. Relationships with family, friends and partners. No matter who that relationship is with, it will go in waves. There will be good times and bad times…But there’s a clear difference between them. With family, you can’t really walk away from them. Because no matter what they will always be there, that’s what family does. For friends, sure we can walk away from them but it’s hard, and most of the time the problems can be rectified and within a week you’re friends again. But the one that’s the hardest is the partner relationships. Especially if you’re the one that cares the most. Your going to get hurt eventually, over and over again depending on how long you stay in that relationship. So eventually there will come a point where you have to be strong and walk away, because it’s got to the point where they feel like poison to you.

The hardest bit about this point is the mental torment that goes around in your head during it. When times are bad it’ll feel like your heart is repeatedly being ripped out of your chest, blended and then shoved back in there which is excruciating. But in between all of this there will be moments that are so sweet…probably just how they used to be, which will give you so much hope. Hope that things will one day be the same again, because deep down you love them unconditionally…and that’s the breaking point. The vicious cycle. Where you really have to think are the bad times over weighing the good one’s now. Of course it will be difficult at first, in fact forget that, it’ll be difficult for as long as it takes. Heck it took me over a year even after we’d split up, but that was because I didn’t completely remove myself from the situation and we were clearly seeing things differently. For him it was harmless doing thing we used to as a couple, but for me it was verging on manipulation of feelings. But anyway in long run you will without a doubt be so much better off, and some extent so much stronger for getting through it. What you’ve got to remember is that you aren’t the first person to feel like this and sadly you won’t be the last…probably even people close to home have been through a similar thing. Stay strong.

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Ever changing seasons…

I love the ever changing seasons. Spring. Summer. Autumn. Winter. Every single one of them. Each unique in their own beautiful way. But when I think about it, there’s always one problem. When it’s Spring, I want it to be Summer. When it’s Summer, I want it to be Autumn. When it’s Autumn, I want it to be winter and so on and so forth. It’s a vicious circle. And it’s only when I realise this, that I begin to see I’m mindlessly wishing the seasons to come around faster and faster each year. Effectively wishing a lifetime away…rather than embracing the beauty of each season. In some ways though, that is really a trait that all humans share. The need for change, and the ache of never really being fully satisfied.

“Don’t waste the season of life your in now, just because you want the next one to come.”

Travelling Alone

This time last week I had arrived in Portugal, after travelling alone for the first time. Before setting off I was pretty worried. Worried about having a panic attack, as there were certain things that had triggered them off before while travelling. But after all that I ended up getting to Portugal and back with no panic attacks at all. To say the least I am so proud of myself. To be able to do all of that alone and not have any problems definitely made me feel good.

The one thing that really seemed to make a difference is that when travelling alone, more people began to strike up a conversation with me. It was so nice having people helpful and kind at every turn, even something so small as getting my bag and passing it to me really meant a lot. Then getting onto the plane I even got chatting to another first time solo female traveller, which again was really nice to know that I wasn’t alone in the situation. Even when I arrived into Portugal I noticed there was a difference, not just from staff like the driver to the hotel giving me advice on the best places to go, but even the locals just making chitchat.

As a planner I did a lot of research before setting off, like I would wherever I went even if I was with others. But I think this did help as it made me more prepared, especially in case anything went wrong. Maybe that just me being over-cautious, but I’d rather be extra prepared. Heck I’m that prepared sometimes that on the last night I even quickly totalled up all the cost for staying there a couple of extra days…I know how to find a deal!

Overall though I honestly had an amazing time travelling by myself and would recommend for anyone to at least try it once…I’m even considering booking another trip again soon. On the down side there’s no saying that next time I won’t have a panic attack, but at least for now I’m just proud I did it.

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Things Customers Do…

So I’m sure a lot of us, for at least even part of our lives has worked in customer service. And let’s be honest even though we may like our jobs…there are times when customers can be annoying as shizzle. So I decided to write a ‘short’ list of things customers do that really…make our day. Enjoy! (Just a side note these are thing’s that mainly happen in the catering side of customer service.)

1.  Customers explaining how to do something…we pretty much do everyday. Look I may look young, but surprisingly I know how to do my job so unless I really look like I’m struggling (in which case I’d ask a colleague and not customer) just keep notes or suggestions to yourself.

2. Customers walking past things and then waiting for us to get them for them. I mean let’s be honest you know, and I know you clocked the knives and forks before you went and sat down. So do us both a favour and maybe pick them up? Especially if we’re already running round like headless chickens.

3. People asking for ‘instant’ coffee. If you come into a cafe where we have a hella expensive coffee machine, and attempt to practice latte art…please just don’t ask for instant. If you really want instant coffee you can pick up a bag from a supermarket, for a cheaper price then what we would charge anyway. I mean to me it just doesn’t make sense.

4. People leaving a mess and not even attempting to clean up a bit. Maybe this is a bit tedious but if I went out with my children (not that I have any) and I ordered a cheese sandwich for my child to which they then decided to make it look like the cheese sandwich  turned into a volcano and erupted everywhere…I’d at least have the decency to try to clear it up a bit…or maybe even just say I’m really sorry my kid’s made quite a bit of mess under that table to one of the staff members. You know just out of respect.

5. Complaining to staff about pricing. Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Yes I know it’s expensive, yes I know back in the day you could get the same thing for about a third of the price, and yes you could go elsewhere and get it cheaper. But to be completely honest surprisingly I have literally NO CONTROL over the pricing. I am not the boss, heck I’m not even the manager. So please do not complain to me. If your that unhappy please create a time machine and travel backwards to when things weren’t so expensive, and while your there please get me an alcoholic beverage for £1. Thank you.

6. Snatching the drink so it spills right at the last second. Look I like making coffee, heck sometimes I’ll even do that little bit extra to make a cute ass leaf on top. Then I will carefully carry my pride and joy over to your table without spilling one little bit. So please do not then snatch the drink out of my hand, causing it to spill and turn my leaf into a mess. I don’t particularly appreciate it.

7. Letting your child scream bloody murder while you continue to chat to your friend at the top of your voice. Look I know mothering can be hard, and I know you’ve probably been up on your feet since 5am or maybe even majority of the night. But please, please, please, please, try to calm your child down. We have customers who complain to us, we can’t focus fully on work we’re trying to do and to be honest I don’t particularly think your kid’s having the time of its life either. I mean heck even if you asked a member of staff to attempt to help, I’m sure we’d try our best.

Now I know it sounds like I have a lot of negatives about working in this job but on the other hand you know we have nice regulars, coffee on tap, cake on discount and maybe even a cheeky bit of eye candy occasionally…so I guess it’s not all bad!

Wrapping Up 2016

So another year has come and gone and I was thinking about all the things that have been new to me in 2016.

Firstly this year has been the first time I’ve left the country four times…which I’m hoping to do again if not better next year. But its honestly been great! In the last few years my anxiety’s got the better of me while flying but I’m hoping the more I do of it, the better I’ll get.

Next up…sort of cheating because it which links to the first one but… I went to Amsterdam twice. It was somewhere I wanted to tick off my travelling list and it just so happened that the opportunity arose to go twice. I went with the first time with one of closest friends and the second time with a group of friends. Both very different experiences, but both equally amazing. I think I’d definitely go back.

This one isn’t a good thing really but 2016 was the first time I got food poisoning…and the best bit about it? I gave it to myself. Yup that’s right. I am a cooking genius apparently! Basically I’ve learnt that I should be very carefully with rice and salmon. Lets hope that was a first and last.

Back to a positive now, I rejoined a gym. This was and is a difficult one for me as I hate working out. The last time I went to the gym was during University and that lasted all of about a month. And when I say a month what I really mean is I had a membership for a month, and I actually stepped foot in the gym around about three times. This time round I’m actually going! I’m also starting to see some improvements…at least I was before the christmas holidays. Back to it tomorrow, let the pain commence!

Speaking of pain, onto tattoos. In July for my birthday I decided to treat myself (that’s right I bought myself presents) by having two tattoos done in one sitting. To be honest I was quite proud of myself. I had one done on my ankle and one on my ribs, and I thought they’d hurt more than they did. These weren’t my first tattoos, but everyone I’d spoken to said that the ribs was one of the worst places you could get a tattoo due to the pain. Psshhh whimps I say! Heck I might even do that from now one, rather than just having one done at a time.

Returning to the travelling side of the year, I also visited a few more places in England I hadn’t seen before. Last year I decided that I would try to see more of England because I thought it was stupid that there were all of these great cities within driving distance, that I’d never even been to. So I went to Liverpool and Manchester. I only stayed at each for one night but there’s still loads to see. I might even have to return this year.

Onto spending dollars. I’m sad to say that this year I started a very unhealthy addiction… which is spending money on shoes. I don’t know how it happened as I’ve never been madly interested in footwear, but I know it wasn’t my fault. On the one hand I’m learning more about footwear brands, which is good because I’m like a grandma when it comes to what’s in fashion. But on the other hand my bank account hates me for it…I can only hope it was a phase.

Onto the last one…because let’s be honest I’m rambling now. 2016 was my year of being completely single without dating. Now this wasn’t really planned, I just wasn’t that interested or put in any effort. I don’t regret it though. A whole year without hassle or drama. A whole year to only think about myself. Don’t get me wrong, sure having someone is nice. But this year to myself was great!

Anyway roll on 2017! 365 new days, 365 new chances!

Oblivious…

It seems to me that I’ve become a bit oblivious to the world around me lately. I walk around on auto pilot too much, which could be a result of being depressed over the years…or it could be because most of the time I’d prefer to be invisible and therefore I don’t take notice in the hope I don’t get noticed myself. As if over the years I’ve slowly  been backing myself out of society, excusing myself to be ignorant.

But by doing this it appears I’ve been also letting the wrong people in and shutting the best ones off to some extent. So this needs to stop. If anything this blog is basically a reminder to myself. To open your eyes! Don’t go through life without living, without knowing or taking notice. Have more interactions with people, even if it isn’t verbal. Because sometimes its the non verbal communications that can mean the most. Even show a spark between two people.

I feel like I have to remind myself a lot of this…but it’s the only way I know how to work it into my head. I think sometimes I just get lost in a sea of social media. I find myself scrolling through Facebook pointlessly for about an hour, before realising that times now gone. So I think I just need to take a step back from that a bit. Focus more on blogging and photography and just exploring and living really.

Ok. Good chat.

Confusing times.

In yesterday’s blog I briefly mentioned panic attacks. I realised that I’ve never spoken about this before on my blog but since I wrote that I thought I might aswell address the ‘issue’ a bit. So here goes.

So through majority of my life I had never experience panic attacks. I’d of course heard about them but never really knew the extent of them, or what made them happen or anything like that. That was until September last year. So let’s rewind a bit. September 2015; I was 22, I’d been working at the same cafe for around a year when I was told about a job going at a Starbucks pretty close to where I lived. This sounded pretty good to me. I’d worked at a Starbucks before while I was at university and really liked it. Since I’d worked with coffee since I was 16, I liked the idea of getting to know more about the different blends, the origins and even the different drinks as they seemed a bit more ‘exotic’ in comparison to the standard americano and latte. It just seemed more specialised, and of course my job title looked a bit more impressive too going from shop assistant to barista. So to go back into that and having something I was more specialised in, with the opportunity to move up in the business sounded amazing and perfect for the direction I wanted to go in.

So I went to the interview, got offered the job, and as soon as I knew it I’d had a trial shift and had left my old job before fully starting this new one. Which was great in theory, having about a week off for myself before getting into the new job. That was until I started getting ready for my first day. I’d got as far as putting on my uniform and then before I knew it I was sat on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out, unable to move. I honestly had no idea what was going on. Why my body was really doing this, or how to make it stop. After texting my sister out of fear, she came to the bathroom to talk to me and try to calm me down. I felt like a complete idiot…but I had no idea why really.

After talking to a friend of mine and ‘googling’ (a bad idea normally I know) I realised that what had happened was that I’d had a panic attack. But I still couldn’t understand what had triggered it off or anything. Anyway I called in work, told them I was ill and they told me when to be in next. To me that was that, I’d go in on the next shift and everything would be fine. I was wrong. It happened again and again. Every single time I tried to go to my job. To the point where my new manager stopped getting in touch with me. I was so angry with myself. I couldn’t believe I’d thrown a job away because of this stupid thing my body was doing.

After that I decided to go to the doctors. To see if there was anyway I could prevent this from happening again, for when I got my next job. The doctor basically said that these panic attacks could be brought on by anything for example a new job or stress. After that I started thinking about the job and wondering why that would have triggered it and why now? I’d changed jobs in the past and never seemed to have any problems. The only thing I could really remember is that even though it was a big team at Starbucks (like the cafe) barely anyone made me feel welcome by trying to make conversation or anything. Looking back now it seems subconsciously I’d built it up in my head as sort of a stress factor, as if no one was trying because they didn’t want me there. It sounds stupid…but that’s the only thing I could put it down to. I’d gone from an environment where everyone went out of their way to acknowledge you, to a place that in a way just felt cold.

Anyway I eventually went back to the cafe I previously worked, and I’m still there now, still enjoying the environment and the people in it…even If I can’t really progress in it, but plans change I guess. Thankful I didn’t have any panic attacks coming back into this job. But I still have them occasionally, for example when I met a guy for the first time…as you can imagine that went down a treat! Oh and I still don’t really know how to control them, I’m just learning to deal with them better I guess…