How to know when to walk away…

Firstly I’ll start with a little note, that I originally wrote this 3 maybe even 4 years ago. I had a relationship that started off absolutely amazing. To be completely honest it was my first real relationship, and the first and possibly the only time I have ever been completely and utterly smitten in love to the point where it literally engulfed me. And even now some of the memories from this relationship are some of the best memories I have. I may also add that I am still friends with this person as some bonds you create in life, will never be broken…saying that during some relationships it gets to the point where everything changes and that’s really what I want to talk about. I was reminded of this note I wrote down all them years ago when I found out one of my close friends was going through the same things as I did. So basically this is about that and knowing when it really is time to walk away. (Ok what started off as a little note, became a long one as I realised I had more to say about it then I thought…now onto the actual blog post.)

In life, we have relationships. Relationships with family, friends and partners. No matter who that relationship is with, it will go in waves. There will be good times and bad times…But there’s a clear difference between them. With family, you can’t really walk away from them. Because no matter what they will always be there, that’s what family does. For friends, sure we can walk away from them but it’s hard, and most of the time the problems can be rectified and within a week you’re friends again. But the one that’s the hardest is the partner relationships. Especially if you’re the one that cares the most. Your going to get hurt eventually, over and over again depending on how long you stay in that relationship. So eventually there will come a point where you have to be strong and walk away, because it’s got to the point where they feel like poison to you.

The hardest bit about this point is the mental torment that goes around in your head during it. When times are bad it’ll feel like your heart is repeatedly being ripped out of your chest, blended and then shoved back in there which is excruciating. But in between all of this there will be moments that are so sweet…probably just how they used to be, which will give you so much hope. Hope that things will one day be the same again, because deep down you love them unconditionally…and that’s the breaking point. The vicious cycle. Where you really have to think are the bad times over weighing the good one’s now. Of course it will be difficult at first, in fact forget that, it’ll be difficult for as long as it takes. Heck it took me over a year even after we’d split up, but that was because I didn’t completely remove myself from the situation and we were clearly seeing things differently. For him it was harmless doing thing we used to as a couple, but for me it was verging on manipulation of feelings. But anyway in long run you will without a doubt be so much better off, and some extent so much stronger for getting through it. What you’ve got to remember is that you aren’t the first person to feel like this and sadly you won’t be the last…probably even people close to home have been through a similar thing. Stay strong.

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Music and Men

The other day I was in my car driving for about an hour with the radio on. On the radio the station was going though a variety of songs from the last few years, when the realisation hit that there was a number of songs that linked to my past. To be more precise they linked to men of my past.

You see memories are a funny thing. When they are created they can be linked to the silliest things like a certain scent or a location…but for me it seems to be music. I listen to music a lot. So when I listen to certain songs, sometimes the lyrics seem to fit the current situation perfectly and therefore the song then links to that person…or it could just be a case that the song was popular at that time and the radio played it constantly while I was around them. 

Anyway like songs, men come and go through life. I guess it just depends if they turn out to be a one hit wonder or a classic that never gets old. But no matter what, when a certain song from the past hits my ears, the memories will play over in my mind of my relationship with that person. In some ways it’s good, and in some ways its bad…but memories are memories. Sometimes it’s nice to look back at what once was…

I wonder if anyone reading this knows their song…heck I wonder what songs people would link to me!

“The past is a good place to visit, but certainly not a good place to stay.”

Wrapping Up 2016

So another year has come and gone and I was thinking about all the things that have been new to me in 2016.

Firstly this year has been the first time I’ve left the country four times…which I’m hoping to do again if not better next year. But its honestly been great! In the last few years my anxiety’s got the better of me while flying but I’m hoping the more I do of it, the better I’ll get.

Next up…sort of cheating because it which links to the first one but… I went to Amsterdam twice. It was somewhere I wanted to tick off my travelling list and it just so happened that the opportunity arose to go twice. I went with the first time with one of closest friends and the second time with a group of friends. Both very different experiences, but both equally amazing. I think I’d definitely go back.

This one isn’t a good thing really but 2016 was the first time I got food poisoning…and the best bit about it? I gave it to myself. Yup that’s right. I am a cooking genius apparently! Basically I’ve learnt that I should be very carefully with rice and salmon. Lets hope that was a first and last.

Back to a positive now, I rejoined a gym. This was and is a difficult one for me as I hate working out. The last time I went to the gym was during University and that lasted all of about a month. And when I say a month what I really mean is I had a membership for a month, and I actually stepped foot in the gym around about three times. This time round I’m actually going! I’m also starting to see some improvements…at least I was before the christmas holidays. Back to it tomorrow, let the pain commence!

Speaking of pain, onto tattoos. In July for my birthday I decided to treat myself (that’s right I bought myself presents) by having two tattoos done in one sitting. To be honest I was quite proud of myself. I had one done on my ankle and one on my ribs, and I thought they’d hurt more than they did. These weren’t my first tattoos, but everyone I’d spoken to said that the ribs was one of the worst places you could get a tattoo due to the pain. Psshhh whimps I say! Heck I might even do that from now one, rather than just having one done at a time.

Returning to the travelling side of the year, I also visited a few more places in England I hadn’t seen before. Last year I decided that I would try to see more of England because I thought it was stupid that there were all of these great cities within driving distance, that I’d never even been to. So I went to Liverpool and Manchester. I only stayed at each for one night but there’s still loads to see. I might even have to return this year.

Onto spending dollars. I’m sad to say that this year I started a very unhealthy addiction… which is spending money on shoes. I don’t know how it happened as I’ve never been madly interested in footwear, but I know it wasn’t my fault. On the one hand I’m learning more about footwear brands, which is good because I’m like a grandma when it comes to what’s in fashion. But on the other hand my bank account hates me for it…I can only hope it was a phase.

Onto the last one…because let’s be honest I’m rambling now. 2016 was my year of being completely single without dating. Now this wasn’t really planned, I just wasn’t that interested or put in any effort. I don’t regret it though. A whole year without hassle or drama. A whole year to only think about myself. Don’t get me wrong, sure having someone is nice. But this year to myself was great!

Anyway roll on 2017! 365 new days, 365 new chances!

My First Love…

What can I say? It was new, exciting, warming, crazy, fun, exhausting, upsetting, even heartbreaking, but it was unforgettable…like all first love’s should be I guess…but after it all I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I will say one other thing though. It taught me a lot, but the most important lesson it taught me is that we go through life finding different types of love. The truth is you’ll never feel the same way with anyone else. Each relationship is unique, which makes that love unique. A bond that is unbreakable in a sense.

What if…

Okay so I was hesitant to do this post because lately only one thing of ‘what if’ has been on my mind. And this ‘what if’ includes my ex.

Today would have marked one year that me and my ex had been going out. So It’s funny how this is the day for this particular topic. What’s also strange is that my Mac decided to remind me that it would have been one year today…not sure how that happened because I don’t remember setting a reminder. Oh and to top it off a guy who was the spitting image of my ex came into my place of work yesterday, strange the coincidence but whatever.

So what if? What if I hadn’t broken up with him due to me not feeling like he didn’t trust me? What if that was the one and only person to ever truly love everything about me and I kicked them out of my life? What If we had stayed together, then moved in together and even had a ‘happily ever after’. It’s a difficult one. Firstly because in his opinion he hadn’t done anything and therefore nothing had to be fixed. And secondly because I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and for me I had to figure that out before I could be happy in any way with anyone…to which I’m still quite unsure.

But it doesn’t stop you wondering what if? What if things had worked out differently and he still wanted me in his life in someway. There’s always questions left unanswered…that’s life.

So what if? That’s it. A question. Left unanswered.

I have a confession to make…

I love Titanic.

I’m not just talking about the 1997 film (although I do love that too…mainly due to Leonardo DiCaprio). I’m talking about everything titanic related. For instance if you walked into my room you’d think you had just walked into a museum. I have books, newspaper articles, documentaries, posters, document replicas, the list goes on. I don’t know what it is about the tragedy that makes me so interested, maybe it’s just due to finding out everything I can about how something like this happened and how much of an impact it really had. Not just on the family members but also on the people who were involved with the building and developing of the Titanic before it even entered the ocean for it’s maiden voyage.

I’ve always been fond of history but even that’s not the real reason I’m interested in this as much as I am. From a different view I am also curious about where they all ended up, but that’s the spiritual side of it all so I’ll leave that be for the moment.

“Each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one.” – Mitch Albom, The Five People We Meet In Heaven.

Lost.

Honestly…right now I feel lost.

Lost with myself, lost with where I’m going in life, lost in general. And in my personal experience when people feel lost, they begin to search for someone who can make them feel safe, feel found in a sense. Even a sense of security. Now in truth in the past I’ve known people do this, and I’ve often thought about doing this myself due to how magical love appears to be. But I think a different approach would be more suited to me right now, and this is also something many people suggest. Find yourself. Be happy with yourself.

With this I don’t necessarily mean be alone until I feel found (if that’s even a thing), because friends and family are always important. I mainly just mean I am not going to jump into a relationship, because in a relationship you have to think of both people and right now I need to be a little bit selfish. Plus saying that if you can’t be selfish right now then when can you? Because as the years go by there becomes a pressure to get into a relationship and make plans with that person. Starting from where to go on holiday together, to getting married and having kids. And that all means being completely considerate and that’s just not for me right now.

My main focuses are really to just find out more things about myself, stuff that I’ve never discovered. New passions, new skills, even new desires. Maybe I will also lose some bad habits I’ve acquired through other people, which wouldn’t be a bad thing. Alongside all of this though I will still be living in the real world and will aim to get another job so I can get money together to go travelling to all the places I’ve dreamed of. So now is the time. Time to leap and see what happens. Wish me luck.

“No matter what you’re trying, even if you fail in the beginning and people say you’re no good, don’t listen to them; Just listen to your own heart.” – Mitch Albom