A life without love…

There’s a phrase “A life without love, isn’t a life at all” and as silly as it may sound for a 24 year old to say, I firmly believe this right now. For someone who has been in love, and been completely infatuated with it, I can say that for me personally when your out of love and even as far away from the prospect of being in love as you can be…you get to the point where you can feel like you aren’t living. Not to sound too sad. Maybe a better way to put it, is not living life with 100%…does that make more sense?

I’m not saying I’m going to jump into any relationship just in the hope I find the thing we call love, I’m not that kind of person. If anything the truth is that I’m extremely reserved right now. It would be nice to open up to just one person again. To have one person that knows all your inner most thoughts. That’s not to say I’m closed off to everyone. To the people closest to me, they know a lot, maybe even some stuff that no one should know…but then if you looked deeper it could be seen as if palming them off with completely useless facts to throw them off the scent of what is really going on in my head or even life.

I’d like to think that I’m seen on the outside as a woman who is desired but can’t really be caught or tied down, like an unattainable woman of mystery. When in reality I am probably just seen as stuck up and rude or something else along them lines. The truth is I’m just waiting for something amazing to come along, or for the right one to work their way in…someone to take a chance on I guess (wow…sounding like a Disney princess right now). With all that said, I’m actually okay with not having that at the moment. The need for a relationship isn’t strong enough for me to just dive into the first thing I find. Not to mention realistically there’s other things I need to prioritise first.

This is just something I’ve been thinking about, and like I said not having someone to share your inner thoughts with sometimes sucks. I’ve even considered changing this blog into more of a diary when I don’t have much else to write about. After all what’s most important when writing a diary? Honesty. And that I can do.

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A night at the cinema…

I don’t know wether it’s due to my heart being a gentle soul or the fact that I’m a girl and we have a lot of hormones…or it could be just down to the genes I’m made up from. But for me going to the cinema or the theatre is a rollercoaster…when it comes to emotions at least.

Depending on what film or performance you go to see, you can experience love, passion, anger, fear, amusement, and of course sadness…all within the space of a couple of hours! When you think about it, all of them emotions you have just experienced is a bit like the emotions you could feel over a two year relationship…which in my opinion is pretty impressive to say the least. The ability to manipulate your feelings, to apply it to the current situations of the main character. Not to mention you could do it all over again the following day or even the following week. Learning a new story everytime, through observing other’s lives (well, acted out lives). Experiencing all of that through emotions, basically without the actual impact of drama of it all.

It’s all pretty incredible…but of course if we only ever lived through films and performances, then we’d never really allow ourselves the chance to actually live. Which you know, is what life is really about. Living, experiencing, feeling. Let’s be honest though…It’s perfect if you need an escape for a hour or two.

What if…

Okay so I was hesitant to do this post because lately only one thing of ‘what if’ has been on my mind. And this ‘what if’ includes my ex.

Today would have marked one year that me and my ex had been going out. So It’s funny how this is the day for this particular topic. What’s also strange is that my Mac decided to remind me that it would have been one year today…not sure how that happened because I don’t remember setting a reminder. Oh and to top it off a guy who was the spitting image of my ex came into my place of work yesterday, strange the coincidence but whatever.

So what if? What if I hadn’t broken up with him due to me not feeling like he didn’t trust me? What if that was the one and only person to ever truly love everything about me and I kicked them out of my life? What If we had stayed together, then moved in together and even had a ‘happily ever after’. It’s a difficult one. Firstly because in his opinion he hadn’t done anything and therefore nothing had to be fixed. And secondly because I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and for me I had to figure that out before I could be happy in any way with anyone…to which I’m still quite unsure.

But it doesn’t stop you wondering what if? What if things had worked out differently and he still wanted me in his life in someway. There’s always questions left unanswered…that’s life.

So what if? That’s it. A question. Left unanswered.

To die in a dream…

A few nights ago…I had a dream.

Now unlike majority of my dreams, this one had a historical background… It was set in Nazi Germany. Now, I love history but the bad thing about this, was that I was a Jew.

The dream began underground, in a similar setting to the London Underground except it was darker and unkept. I was surrounded by loads of other Jews, all of different ages showing a range of emotions. We began being led to what seemed to be two elevator shafts in which groups of Jews were being crammed into. Once we were in the lift we were then made to watch a propaganda movie to distract us, while the lift either moved upwards to a few more days of freedom or down to a dreaded gas chamber.

While waiting anxiously, the propaganda film came to an end and the lift doors began to open. Thankfully the lift had gone up to ‘freedom’, we all scuttled out like rats in a sewer, but the worst was not over. We followed the damp corridor down towards the exit, when from the distance I noticed that the next section, which was similar to airport security where the Nazi’s required a barcode which was imbedded into the skin of Jews.

I looked down at my arms, searching for a barcode. I couldn’t find one, I began to panic thinking that I would never escape back out into the real world without one. I  looked around to see if anyone could help me to get a barcode, failing that I began to run searching for an alternate exit…and that’s when I realised I was beginning to be chased by Nazi’s with guns trying to shoot me.

In that moment I then realised that I was in a dream…but I couldn’t wake myself up and bring myself out of it. I began to think to myself, what if i get shot right now? What if I die and can’t return back to reality. What if my body goes into some sort of coma due to my mind being killed in my imagination? Is that even possible?

All I know is that dreams are weird, and when they get weird my thought process gets weird… nevertheless I still enjoy dreaming…

Life or a dream?

Do you ever take a moment in the day and wonder…am I dreaming?

Maybe it’s due to dreaming about a real life situation the previous night. Or maybe its due to walking through life, like a mindless zombie…Not living life the way we should…With adventure and excitement.

We all have hopes and dreams of what we want for ourselves. What we want from life. As I’ve said before…this has never really been clear for me. I have options in mind, but no definite answer. All I know at the minute is that I don’t want to be here. I want to get out into the world and explore the land we’ve been given. There’s so much to see and do, and while I’m stuck here…well basically…I’m just stuck.

Alternatively it may be because sometimes I can control my dreams…Or maybe it’s because sometimes I have little control over my day…

Whatever the reason, it’s time to stop dreaming and start living. Live the adventure!…Just a thought.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. – Albert Einstein.

Career? What Career?

Career: An occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person’s life and with opportunities for progress…

When you reach a certain age, the question that people will begin to ask you is…so what do you want to do with your life? It seems that people expect you to know this for definite by the time you leave college, and definitely by the end of university!

For me…this seems to have always been a problem. I’ve never been that bothered about a career. I obviously know I need to have one to earn money in order to survive. But I’ve just never been focused enough to find one I am really passionate about. Yeah I’m passionate about drama. Devising my own performance, even occasionally writing a script. But as many of us know that’s a difficult area to get into, with many different directions to go in. It just comes down to choosing.

I’ve worked in cafe’s since I was 16. I know a lot about coffee and working for Starbucks also expanded my knowledge on this. But every so often I think a change needs to be made. A change to try something new, experience something different. I think this may be a reason why I have never been that career focused. I always like a change. Which is all fair enough…until someone asks you what you want to do. Then you are just left with their confusion and shock of how you don’t know.

Some people seem to have it all figured out, others think its okay to find your way later on. But they don’t seem to understand the frustration and need for me to be able to figure it out now. I know I won’t be able to and that all I can do is try. But to be perfectly honest…it sucks.

August In London

I’ve been to London many times before. Many times this year even. But this time was different…for a number of reasons.

One I was going with someone I’d never been with before, two I was spending a lot of the time travelling around on my own on the tube, and three it was a bit more spontaneous. Now I’ll begin with the last point. I am a planner. I write stuff down, I circle places I’m going, I make a note of which tube lines and tube stations and even roughly how long it would take me to get there. I don’t know why…maybe its how I’m brought up. But I have to say wandering around London with nowhere to go and nothing really in mind to do was…nice. Watching all the busy people rush past with places to be and a time to be there for, it’s as if I was in slow motion as life was speeding past. In a way that for me was relaxing. I guess this is the first step of me trying to get out of planner mode…or at least be a little bit more flexible.

Now onto the travelling alone section. I’m used to travelling alone. I do it a lot at home, on the bus, on trains or even just walking. But London. To point out the obvious London is massive. Meaning it’s very VERY easy to get lost, and with me only being small it makes it even easier. I mean on one hand I was excited to go to London just to disappear into the crowds, lose myself a bit. But in reality getting lost in London isn’t something I planned on doing. The scary bit for me wasn’t the walking around. The fear was the underground. I’ve seen ‘The Creep’ and I am open to the possibilities of monsters that live down there (even though it is a bit far fetched) so travelling alone was worrying at times. On the serious side of things though I saw the London Bombings back in 2005 and being down there with no reception and no way of telling someone I love them in the last few minutes is of course terrifying to anyone who takes the time to think about it. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl. I mean we all must know by now majority of girls think way too into things. But still you have to be prepared for the worst, otherwise you will panic if it ever did happen.

To go back to the first point I made about why this time was different. Like I said I went with someone I’d never been with before. I think this was the most important part of what made the trip as good as it was.

“Most of us all walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully, because we’re half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.” – Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie.